Started Writing: 14:12

I am a little manic right now. And also, occasionally, a little depressed. A mixed state as They would put it. Whatever it is called- I am experiencing the world in snippets.

Shit I totally got distracted then- going to mess up the whole timing thing. Ended up looking on amazon for a cassette tape dictaphone. I want to use one to record distorted sound for the film I am currently making. All the reviews are by people using them to record their PIP interviews. You have to give the interviewer a copy of any recordings you make on physical tape. The interviewer can refuse to be recorded, and then your assessment will be delayed indefinitely. Doesn’t stop them filming us in the waiting area. Wonder what would happen if I asked for a copy of that footage?

(Idea for a film- steal the PIP assessment waiting room footage and edit it all together)

Also halfway through watching a documentary on Marlene Dietrich. Might end up going back to that a few times. Maybe I’ll listen to music to help keep me focused. Crap pop serves me well in these situations.

Music is on.

I wanted to call this piece “snippets” for a number of reasons.

1. To record the easily distracted stream of consciousness I have at the moment. Digressions and all.

2. To include some of the snippets I have collected over the last week.

3. Because I’m in a mixed bipolar state I’m up and down at the same time. Everything is fragmented into snippets. I’m thinking in at least two directions, permanently. For now.

4. My day is split into 4 snippets because I am prescribed 4 Diazepam tablets a day- which I take at 9am, 11am, 2pm and 4pm. Diazepam fucks with time. Mostly speeding it up.

Nothing like a numbered list to get your thoughts in order.

If only it were that simple.

Still- here’s another:


Snippet #1 (Sunday) Emailing people too much. RUSH of ideas.

Snippet #2 (Sunday) Need to go back to music and reading. If I go full MANIC while in isolation, I’ll annoy the shit out of everyone.

Snippet #3 (Monday) HOT. Keeps making me scared I have a fever- when in reality it’s just because its spring.

Snippet #4 (Monday) Agent likes my new picture book. Was mired in self-doubt before email came through- so a good day for it to happen.

Snippet #5 (Monday) Johanna Hedva’s (author of “Sick Woman Theory”) book finally came in the post. It’s called “On Hell”. Read a few pages- fits very well with my state of mind right now. Not that I’m in hell. Just brimming with swear words (and ideas). Having a piece of her comforts me. Half the reason I hoard books- to keep shards of other people.

Snippet #6 (Tuesday) Got word from Affective Disorder Specialist (over the phone). He confirmed what I have known for two years, but which services have been trying to reject. They made me feel like a liar. Now I have external proof. Thank you Professor (I was going to write “Professor X” as an anonymity thing, but I haven’t been assessed by Patrick Stewart/James McAvoy- now I have an image of their two faces combined into one face- it is disturbing).

Snippet #7 (Wednesday) *various crossed out words written in runes*

Snippet #8 (Thursday) I don’t actually have a Snippet #8, but 7 is a terrible number.

Trying to study world mythology whilst this crisis goes on (to use up some time- so I don’t write too much and irritate all my contacts). I’m particularly interested in mythological figures that have several faces/personalities/forms. Pretty much every tradition begins with chaos, or one god, which splits and splits and splits and splits. This fascinates me. At the same time I’m reading a lot about gender and sexual fluidity. Why can’t the same fluidity be applied to mental health? Why is it pathological to have a number of identities?

I’m not in denial. I just don’t think my diagnoses-es-es-es are only negative.

Shit. Now I’m comparing myself to the gods. I think I’ll end there. Don’t want to spill into Delusions of Grandeur.

Finished Writing: 15.09 (minus about ten minutes when I was watching Marlene Dietrich clips)




Also by Sarah,